Effort

My daily struggle is internal. I can see how well I do with setting goals yet I want to live freely. I can see how determined I am at attaining my dreams yet I want to live in the now. I can see how steadfast I am at carrying a heavy load yet I want to let go and let be. My daily struggle is internal. 

So this entry is about my ongoing battle with releasing weight. Today I am at the heaviest I have ever been. After not looking at myself in a full length mirror for over six months I had a glance in my daughters the other day. I was upsetting to say the lease. I have always had the thought process that I am beautiful in the inside and the outside should not matter. If I remove the should have, could have and would have along with the negative from that statement I am left with "I am beautiful in the inside and the outside matters". I read somewhere that then is the essence of my thoughts, what I will manifest more of. Having my outside physical appearance matter changes my entire focus. 

I have failed at giving up on vanity. Honestly, I enjoy looking attractive in clothing that I truly appreciate wearing. The problem has been that over the past three years I have steadily gained more and more weight making it impossible to wear the types of clothes I enjoy. I have paraded around as if I do not care when in reality it has weighed heavily on my heart and mind so much so that I've turned my back to my own reflection. 

Now ... Let me clarify I am a doer... a busy body ... a resolver. I take action. It seems that all my planning, my plotting, my reading and my stressing has not been enough to push me to put effort into creating change. 

Every now and again I find myself in this sort of position. I am fully aware that all it takes is a single step yet somehow I never make the effort for that step or I attempt the step but stop mid stride. It is all so painful emotionally and oh so tiresome mentally. I like to think I know better yet my actions speak otherwise.  

SOOOOOOOO..... I do not believe that there is some magical pill that will change my mindset or my physical appearance, although I wish there were. My truth is I deserve the effort it takes to create the change yet fear stands in my way. 

*sidebar.... funny thing about fear and love... we never really know the root motivation with/for either. They just happen to be a part of our natural energy fields. They just show up out of nowhere... or RATHER we just so happen to begin to see them when they are most conducive to our own needs. Polar opposites yet twin sisters; LOVE and FEAR.*

Somehow, I have to balance the scales and allow love to guide me through. To answer the normal questions 

Yes, I love myself. Yes, I know I can complete this task. Yes, I am ready to complete this task. No, I am not comfortable with my weight yet I am comfortable with the skin I am in. No, I am not sure what the fear is or what motivated me towards that fear. Yes, I am open to the experience and I am looking forward to the journey. 

I want to take a moment to talk about how I feel without judgments. 

There is isolation from the reality of my life and dream I have of it. This makes me feel discouraged. I am discouraged from creating a dream life when the reality that I live daily is so off kilter. I feel dissatisfied. I am dissatisfied with being stuck in a cycle that seems never ending. I feel weak. I am weak enough to do nothing and weaker still to complain about me doing nothing. I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable in that I am susceptible to the vile and negative thought processes that will allow me to maintain what currently is my reality which will make it forever more a part of me. These FEARS erode my being in a moment to moment battle with my wits, hear even my spirit. This battle makes me feel defeated. Being defeated carries with it the lack conversation and ABOVE all else I desire to speak about ABUNDANCE!!!! Having had that emotional intercourse I am left wanting. I want to change how I feel and of course that would take actions. Actions take effort.

I do have a plan which I plan to adhere to. I am looking for support from myself as well as like minded people. I realize this is a lifestyle change one that will take time. I welcome the adventure and I am ready for the journey. I am so very grateful for new beginnings that hold within them clarification. 

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” 
― Dr. Seuss

Con Amor!
Love is... TL